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“The Hardest Thing to do”

Published July 12, 2010 Christian Suffering , God's sovereignty , Uncategorized 2 Comments
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“It is a dreadful truth that the state of (as you say) ‘having to depend solely on God’ is what we all dread most.  And of course that just shows how very much, how almost exclusively, we have been depending on things.  But trouble goes so far back in our lives and is now so deeply ingrained, we will not turn to Him as long as He leaves us anything else to turn to.”  (C. S. Lewis, Letters to an American Lady (Grand Rapids, 1967), page 47, italics his.)

Define Suffering

I am often asked how I would define suffering.  Unfortunately, many definitions of suffering leave out a large population of sufferers.   A helpful definition is difficult to construct.

Dictionary.com defines suffering as:  the state of a person that suffers. It also defines suffering as:  to undergo or feel pain or distress; to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss; to undergo a penalty, as of death; to endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly.

Is it a complete definition?

No!  I don’t believe it embraces the complete sense of suffering.  Including the words “patiently or willingly” does embrace what it means to Suffer Well.  Yet, still something is missing.

Lewis in his Letters to an American Lady tells us what is missing.  He tells us that if we can find some opening or option other than trusting God entirely we will pursue that opportunity.  In my blog entry Suffering Well: Life on edge of a knife I write of the three option a person can take in suffering.  One option is to stay on the sharp edge of the blade of suffering.  Staying on the sharp edge of the blade of suffering offers pain, despair, agony, integrity and hope as we see and experience the ministry of grace and mercy of God touching us.  The next option is to “jump” off the blade to the side of denial, repression, manipulation and demand.  Here we find ourselves trying everything possible to reduce, deflect, minimize or eliminate our suffering.  The last option is to “jump” off the blade on the side of spirituality or spiritualization.    Here we find ourselves attempting to discover, come up or manufacture God’s purpose in our suffering.

But what happens if we cannot by “jumping” off the blade to the denial, demand or manipulation side find relief?  Or when we “jump” off the spiritual side we find no reason or relief for the suffering.  If we are honest with ourselves deep in our hearts God’s purpose continues to be a mystery.

Cropped image of me following multiorgan failure

Six weeks in the hospital with Cardiogenic Shock and Multi-Organ failure

On the right you see a picture of me at a meal with a friend at work about a month after I spent 6 weeks in the hospital suffering from Cardiogenic shock and Multi-Organ failure.  I went into the hospital weighing 230 lbs and the picture on the right shows me at 180 lbs.  As part of my stay in the hospital I spent 2 weeks in ICU in a drug induced coma.  All my bodily systems stopped working.  The medical staff at the hospital could only support my body medically in hopes my systems would begin to work again.  Doctors and nurses told Sharon I had a 5% chance of survival.

As my condition worsened a very good friend of mine, Bill, arranged to have several pastors I had worked in the past come into ICU and pray for me.  As they crowded in my small room (against the advice of the nursing staff) filled with medical devices keeping me alive they prayed and anointed me with oil. After I left the hospital several of those there confided in me they did not expect to see me alive again.

Sharon faced “The Hardest Thing to Do”

Unaware of my condition and prognosis I was oblivious of the things that Sharon was facing.  Lewis tells us that ‘It is a dreadful truth that the state of having to depend solely on God is what we all dread most’.  He also tells us ‘we will not turn to Him as long as He leaves us anything else to turn to’. Sharon and my children were in the exact situation  described by Lewis here.  There was nothing else to turn to other than to depend solely on God .

There was nothing more she, the kids or the medical staff could do.  The medical staff stabilized me in a coma and supported my bodily functions medically, my family prayed and stayed with me almost around the clock, many friends visited and prayed for me, prayer requests went out around the country.

Every option of depending upon anything else was taken away.  Depending upon God solely was all there was.  It was a dreadful state for all.

The complete definition of Suffering (The Hardest thing to Do)

Combining Lewis’ words, Dictionary.com and scriptures bring me a sense of the complete definition of suffering and Suffering Well as I define it.

  • Acts 5:41 Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. ESV
  • ‘to undergo or feel pain or distress; to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss; to undergo a penalty, as of death; endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly’  (Dictionary.com)
  • ‘depend solely on God; and not turn to anything else’; (CS Lewis)

Suffering was modeled by Christ and we are to follow His suffering willingly and patiently.  It was Christ’s hardest thing to do as he cried out with anguish from the cross.   He chose to suffer willingly and patiently.  Christ had the power of the universe to protect him from crucifixion as well as being able to come down from the cross once on it but He willingly, patiently and purposefully remained and died on that cruel device of torture and death.   When we choose to do the hardest thing of depending of God alone instead of seeking a way out through relief, denial, manipulation or spiritualization we also fulfill the complete definition of suffering.  I am not speaking here of not seeking available help as it is available but sometimes our suffering has no solution.  There is no out option.  Denial has failed.  Pleading has resulted in silence.  The manipulation of others, situations or our hearts provides only temporary respite.

I know that many who read this face suffering that is unending, unrelenting and offers no solutions for their suffering.  It is the most dreadful place for a person to live.

Next:  Living in that Most Dreadful place and doing the Hardest Thing.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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“They are going to throw my heart in the trash!”

Published April 7, 2010 Uncategorized 1 Comment
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I said these words to Sharon about 6 months before I got my heart transplant.

It was a Sunday afternoon and we were sitting in our “quiet time chairs”.  If you visit our home you will see a pair of swivel rockers in front of our bay windows looking out to our front yard and the beautiful oak tree Sharon loves so much.  We sit there every morning with our coffee and bibles starting the day in devotionals with God.

I made that comment during one of the many times I was tired of being sick, waiting and tired of becoming more sick each week.  They were irrational words.  They were emotional words.  They were words said to Sharon through uncontrollable tears.  They were weary words.

They came after I envisioned myself watching my transplant operation.  I “saw” my surgeon remove my heart and disgustingly toss my old worn out heart into a bio-hazard bag next the operating table.  I did say irrational didn’t I?

What is a heart?

Well, you can see I had the emotional reaction to what would happen some 6 months later in the operating room at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Florida.  It was my heart!  I had that heart since birth!  It was mine!  It was the only one I knew.

It seems that feeling possessive of  body parts even when severely diseased and no longer useful to us is quite common.  Many of have heard of amputees experiencing “phantom pain”.  They feel an itch or a pain where was missing body part once was.  Phantom pain is real and many experience relief when that part of their non-existent body part is “itched”.

But, what is a heart?  Biblically, the heart (Hebrews lēḇ or lēḇāḇ; Greek kardia) refers to the center of things and the inner man.  The hebrews thought in terms of subjective experience rather than objective.  The heart was essentially the governing center of the whole man including all his attributes, physical, intellectual and psychological.  (Prov. 4:23).

The New Testament refers to the heart as the seat of the will (Mark 3:5), of the intellect (Mk 2:6,8), and of the feelings (Luke 24:32).  The nearest meaning for the heart in the New Testament is “person”.

Every one of my cardiologists have referred to the heart as a pump.  That’s right it is just a pump and a rather powerful one at that.  The volume of blood in the human body is nearly 5 liters (1.32 gallons) and the heart pumps about 280 liters (74 gallons) in one hour.

More than just a pump

Each time I have spoken for an organ procurement organization to donor families, recipients or medical professionals I get asked the same question.  “Is there anything different about you after the heart transplant?”  While I was on the transplant waiting list I asked that same question to a person who was 9 years post transplant.  He responded with the healthier, stronger, more energy type of answers.  But, I like those asking me now was asking a different question.  I said “no, you know, different”.  Oh, Robert replied!  “Well the only thing different is “I like beer now”.  My surgeon earlier this year asked the same type of question about differences.  But, alas I couldn’t claim any life altering change like Robert reported to me.

Before the transplant my heart did represent more to me than just an efficient pump.  It was me or I thought of it as such a part of me that I didn’t want to part with it even though it failed me for years.  Believe or not I asked the hospital based transplant coordinator whether I could get my heart in a jar after the transplant so I could take it home with me.  Shocked he said no and something about research and promised to take a picture of it for me.  He didn’t.

I have included a Video of a live heart transplant (click on the link) so those of you interested can watch an actual transplant.  It was not mine but represents what happens during the procedure.  Interestingly, my son, Keith and his wife, Sandra watched this video the night I was in surgery.  I don’t know, I can’t explain why they did!

Living with the heart of someone else

Now that I have the heart of another person in my chest my view has changed to seeing it as a “pump”.  I guess better said a “replacement pump”.  My new heart no longer possesses the attachments I had to it prior to transplant.  I no longer see it as something I grieve losing but rather something giving me extra years of life.  These extra years of life centered in the hope of Christ, His good story, His being the center of all things and maker of the inner man.  I no longer see the heart being the center of all things or the inner man as seen by the Hebrews or Greeks.

As believers, don’t we all have the heart of someone else living within us?

Exekiel 36:26-27 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. ESV

2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ESV

Was not our old heart of stone removed from us at conversion?  Were we not given a new heart, a circumcised heart (See Phil 3:2-3)?  Are we not a new creation?  Did not the old heart pass away?  Did not the new heart come?

Attempting to live fully with the new heart (replacement) and the New Heart (Ezek 36)

Adverto Coram Deo
David

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$507,500 of debt

Published March 29, 2010 Uncategorized 1 Comment
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$507,500!!!

That amount of debt is a serious form of suffering.  Any amount of debt is suffering.

The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender. Prov. 22:7 ESV

Suffering comes in many forms

Sharon and I are leading the David Ramsey’s “Financial Peace University” (FPU) in a small group from our church.  We don’t facilitate because we have financial peace or because we are good with money or money matters.  We are leading as learners and pray that the other members of the group will benefit as much as we will.

One of the exercises in FPU is to have members of the group tally the amount of their personal non-mortgage debt and add the totals together to get a group total.  Our group represents 10 families and has a debt grand total of $507.500.  Remember, this does not include mortgage debt.

Suffering is a form of slavery no matter what the source.

  • In my last blog I wrote of a man who had suffered from pain for the last 20 plus years.  If you asked him you might hear him describe himself as being enslaved by the pain. See Affliction
  • Having loved ones including your child murdered by a family member as you stand by and the killer survives while your child dies is suffering.  The survivors are enslaved by the memories, resentment and their inability to get the desired results.  See Sitton
  • Several readers of my blog are suffering from the pain they experience from their body and are enslaved by its consequences.
  • Other readers have suffered from the “prophetic” words and actions of parents or loved ones and are slaves to those words.

Characteristics of a slave

I confess, I have never been an actual slave to another unless you consider the times I have been employed by another person or company.  (One of the ways the scriptures describes employment is slavery)  I also have been a slave to another as a result of debt.

Yet, what are some of the characteristics of a slave?  How are their personal motivation, initiative, and commitment?  Often, with the exception of Joseph in the Genesis account, we find slaves to be unmotivated, paralyzed, feeling powerless, revengeful, submissive, in denial, docile, desiring to seek escape and depressed.  They feel stuck between the anticipated pain of the “whip”, the futility of life and the deep desire for the seeming impossibility of freedom.

Suffering brings slavery

The suffering of debt, loss of personal health, failing finances, the loss of a loved one or simply the loss of your “normal” can be bring on some of the characteristics of slavery.  I know I was frozen in slavery while suffering from heart failure.  I have also been enslaved by the negative “prophetic” words uttered by a person of influence early in my life.  I became stuck, fearful of the proverbial “whip” of rejection and disapproval.

Unlimited Resources in God

Why do we who have all the resources available from the Lord of the universe become so impotent when we face suffering.  Why do we find ourselves wrapped in the “clothing” of slavery when suffering invades our life?  I have said and hear many others reciting powerful Bible passages of resources in Christ, the goodness and sovereignty of God while remaining frozen in our suffering without genuine hope and purpose.   

“This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health, but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road.  All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified.”

Martin Luther

Martin Luther (1483-1546)

Not there yet

Isn’t that what we struggle with?  We are not there yet but we want or sometimes demand to be there now.  We do not like the process, we want the finish.  We do not want the growth in righteousness, we want righteous.  We want health not healing as defined by God.  We want rest, not exercise.  We want being, not becoming.  We want purity, not purification.

More about this in the next blog:

Adverto Coram

David
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“I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” Spurgeon

Published March 8, 2010 Uncategorized 4 Comments

20+ years of constant, unrelenting pain???!!!

This morning I spoke with John, a man who has suffered from unrelenting pain for more that 20 years.  Pain in his chest, legs and arms have been his constant companion.  While we were talking he confessed: “I’m getting tired of it, I haven’t given up hope that the pain will relent but it’s getting to me”.

It is getting to him…???!!!

If you were around John rest assured you can see and feel it has gotten to him.  He wears his tiredness like a worn business suit and his depression is palpable.  He presents as older than his chronological years and his gait is of one who has tread many weary miles.

I knew this man had experienced suffering intimately.

He has been “chosen in the furnace of affliction”.  How does one continue in life, work and relationships while enduring

Shadrack, Meshack & Abednego

this constant yoke of pain?  In Hebrews 11 we read of the faithful enduring suffering without receiving the things promised but seeing them from afar they continued to live faithfully. (Heb 11:13-16, 33-40)

I have often heard of two attitudes from suffers.

  • I can endure this pain in light of the coming glory in heaven with Christ
  • The other response often compares their pain and suffering to a greater perceived suffering of some other person. See: Haiti: When the earth moves..

Now, don’t hear me wrong here honestly I need more than the coming hope of heaven when suffering. I believe the hope of heaven is real and beyond comprehension yet I find myself wanting hope and relief in this life.  I also find any attempt to diminish my suffering by comparing it to the greater suffering of another has never helped.

Honest readers will agree with this assertion.  We desire, hope and reach for the relief offered by heaven.  Yet, many live today in the “furnace of affliction” as Spurgeon described it longing for comfort during our suffering.

The saints of old wanted more than a future hope in dealing with their suffering also.  Many experienced more than the future hope. They faithfully waited for heaven but they experienced comfort for suffering in their present life.

Because…

They Saw…They Saw more than their suffering….They Saw what was not seen….They Saw the unseen God at work in the midst of their life and suffering.

  • Moses parents (Amram and Jochebed) saw more than the birth of a male child coming at the time of Pharaoh’s law to kill all male newborns…They saw “he was not ordinary child and were not afraid of the kings edict”.. Heb 11:23 NIV, Ex 2:2 ESV
  • Job, a blameless man of God afflicted with unthinkable diseases and loss came to the point where he questioned God (Ex 38).  Yet, after God revealed the power of His hand and works (Ex 38-42), Job made this incredible statement “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Ex 42:5-6)
  • Abraham when told that Sarah would bear a child even though she was well beyond child-bearing age believed while Sarah laughed in disbelief.  Abraham saw that his visitor were from the Lord God and Sarah saw only her age as a factor in childbirth.  (Gen 18)

As Spurgeon puts it:

  • “If, believer, thou requirest still greater comfort, remember that you have the Son of Man with you in the furnace.”
  • “In that silent chamber of yours, there sitteth by your side One whom thou hast not seen but whom thou lovest; and ofttimes when thou knowest it not”
  • “Thou canst not see him, but thou mayst feel the pressure of his hands.”
  • “Dost thou not hear his voice? Even in the valley of the shadow of death he says, “Fear not, I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God.””
  • “In all thy fiery trials, his presence is both thy comfort and safety.”
  • “He will never leave one whom he has chosen for his own.”
  • “He makes all thy bed in thy affliction, and smooths thy pillow for thee.”
  • “Thou art in poverty; but in that lovely house of thine the Lord of life and glory is a frequent visitor.He loves to come into these desolate places, that he may visit thee.”

“Fear not, for I am with thee,” is his sure word of promise to his chosen ones in the “furnace of affliction.” Wilt thou not, then, take fast hold of Christ, and say—“Through floods and flames, if Jesus lead, I’ll follow where he goes.”

Look around as you experience the suffering this life produces.  See more than what can be seen with your eyes as they survey your circumstances.  You cannot escape “the furnace” by denial, deflection or avoidance.  Can you see as Spurgeon says Christ smoothing your pillow?  His hand on you?  His presence in you “house”?  Be like Moses’ parents, Job, Abraham and many others who “see the unseen God” working according to His character, love, grace and mercy in your life?

Spurgeon quoted from “Morning and Evening”

Adverto Coram

David

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Two Realities of Suffering

Published February 10, 2010 Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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“Now when they heard these things they were enraged, and they ground their teeth at him.  But Stephen, full of the

The Stoning of Steven

Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.” Acts 7:54-55

“We are connected with two realities simultaneously.  There is the lower reality of this world of human judgment, and there is the higher reality of the throne of God.

The lower reality can be brutal.  It was brutal not only for Stephen but far more for those who stoned him.  Frederick Buechner, Peculiar Treasures, page 182: “Stoning somebody to death, even somebody as young and healthy as Stephen, isn’t easy.  You don’t get the job done with the first few rocks and broken bottles, and even after you’ve got the man down, it’s a long, hot business.”  Living at this level takes commitment.  Those stones are heavy – heavy to throw.

But whatever is happening at the lower level, the higher reality is still in authority.  And the Holy Spirit is able to make the glory of God more real than the stones.

“The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose I will not, I will not desert to his foes; that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”” Ray Ortlund

Two Realities

I have referred to what Ortlund calls two realities in past blogs as “Seeing God”, seeing more than what is evident and “A Tale of Two Stories”.

The picture of Steven being stoned illustrates what we need to keep in mind and close to our heart when challenges and successes occur in our lives.  Times when you have experienced success, promotion, and blessing as well as when sick, suffering and persecuted there are always two realities/stories playing out simultaneously. In success or blessing it is not your skill, knowledge or personality alone that brought about your advancement.  There is more isn’t there?  During persecution, sickness or suffering there is more going on than the “rocks” being thrown your way isn’t there?

Acknowledging Heaven

While it is unlikely during challenges or suffering that we are able to look into heaven as did Steven.  It is more likely the only thing we will see at these times are the “rocks” being thrown our way.  Though we may not see into heaven rest assured that heaven, Christ and the Father are looking down on our life in times of trial and triumph.  Both triumph and trial are known, ordained by our sovereign Lord and part of His good story for us.

Super Bowl heavenly look

We have all seen the football player who has made an amazing play lift his eyes and hands to heaven thanking God for what just happened.  I’m calling that the “heaven point”.  During the Super Bowl, I saw for the first time a person do the heaven point following a failure.  One of the place kickers looked up and pointed to heaven after a missed field goal.  He did so during failure.

I have to confess that during my low periods I have not looked up like the football player acknowledging Godly intervention.  More often I was trying to avoid the “stones” thrown at me and crushing into my already weakened state.  When good things happen it is easy to do the heaven point.  But during hard times the heaven point, if it happens, only occurs after we point our fingers many other directions.  We tend to point out fingers of blame toward others, ourselves and often angrily at God.

The Lower Reality Can Be Brutal

I was struck by the statement that the lower reality can be brutal.  It can!  It is!  Steven looked into heaven and saw the Glory of God, Jesus and His ministering angels but he also felt the reality of the rocks crushing his body and snuffing out his spirit.  As Buechner stated killing a man with stones is hard, tiring, brutal work.  You have to commit to it.

That is how suffers feel during their battle.  Steven must have pleaded for the pain to stop as each stone crashed into him.  He had to have wished for his life to end.  Paul spoke to the Philippians of the tension between being with Christ in heaven and staying on earth for the betterment of fellow believers. Philippians 1:21-26

I know during my heart attack at age 43 I asked God to allow me to die because the pain was so excruciating.  I confess I said similar words following my multi-organ failure and during the wait for the heart transplant.  The pain of the heart attack, overwhelming helplessness of my decimated body, and seeming hopelessness about the prospects of being transplanted were brutal.

I also know that many reading this blog may have used similar words.  You prayed for relief.  You prayed for the final relief of heaven. You experienced how brutal it is in this lower reality and wanted no more of it.  You wanted to be welcomed into heaven.

The Higher Reality Is Still In Authority

While the lower reality can be characterized as brutal the Higher Reality is nothing of the sort.  The higher reality is still in authority.  God is Still Sovereign, Still Good, and we are living out the Good Story written by His hand.  God is the author of both the higher and lower reality.

Often when we experience the brutal pain of the lower reality we want relief, solutions, fixes or some sort of step plan to resolve our pain.  Many times these do not come your way.

Final Thoughts

In life we won’t look to heaven and actually see the higher reality of the living God’s hand on our lives as did Steven.  We have to wait patiently as did those in Hebrews 11.   Yet, we can know and cling to the higher reality of God Story being written for us by our heavenly Father.  Clinging on to this does not lessen the pain of the particular “stones” being thrown your way.  Seeing more than the stones “crushing our bodies and spirit is not something we often do first.  It usually happens after we try to figure out all the options we might pursue for relief.

The Higher Reality of God as seen in the picture exists always.  Cling to it.  Embrace it.  Steven did as an example for us in death and a multitude of Biblical characters provide us the same examples during their lives.

Adverto Coram Deo

David
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My story of suffering #4 Sharon’s story of suffering….

Published January 29, 2010 Uncategorized 2 Comments
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Sharon's family 2007

This is Sharon’s story of suffering

Sharon asked me yesterday how I can write about her suffering and I could only say “from observation and our discussions”.  These past two years have been a mixture of near death, death, the possibility of my death, cancer, survival and marriage.   They have been torture.

Many things have happened since this picture.

Dot’s death

Sharon’s mother lived with us for 8 years up until I became too sick for Sharon to care for me and her mother.

Dorothy "Dot"

Dot decided it would be best for her to move closer to Carolyn (Sharon’s sister) and her granddaughter, Gretchen.  Sharon’s mom sadly broke her hip within months of moving to Tennessee and as often happens her health deteriorated rapidly after the fall.  Soon after this picture was taken (Thanksgiving 2007)  her doctor diagnosed her with “failure to thrive” and she became a hospice patient.  During our Thanksgiving visit Sharon commented her mom was not ‘there’ anymore due to her rapidly deteriorating physical and mental condition.  Because she refused to eat properly Dot lost so much weight that she resembled a WWII concentration camp prisoner instead of the person Sharon remembered as her mother.

She died the end of April of 2008. Yet, I was so sick from my heart condition Sharon could not travel up to see her mom at the end.  The tension she felt of wanting to see her mom before she died and needing to be with me was overwhelming for her.  Those of you who know my story will remember my transplant occurred on May 23rd of 2008.   A friend said that Dot needed to get to heaven so she could talk to God about my needing a new heart.

Premature Twins

In August of 2008 Sharon’s niece Jenny gave birth to premature twins.  Both the girls weighted less than 3 pounds

Tim and Jenny

combined.  Their survival was in question for many months and these precious one pounders were regularly on Sharon’s heart and in her prayers.  The uncertainty of their medical situation and survivability caused untold stress to Sharon and her family.  Fortunately and joyfully, I can report the babies are doing very well today.

Carolyn’s Death

In March 2009, Gretchen, Sharon’s niece, called from the hospital in Tennessee telling her that Carolyn, her sister was in the emergency room.  Thinking it was a recurrence of a medical condition Carolyn often had Sharon didn’t think initially that it was serious.  Gretchen told her the doctors were struggling with keeping her alive.  This devastated Sharon.  Gretchen had to hang up the phone abruptly telling Sharon she would call her back soon.  After what seemed an eternity Paul, Gretchen’s husband, called telling Sharon that her sister had died. Sharon could not believe her ears,  was shocked, crying and speechless.

Carolyn

Carolyn never took care of herself and suffered from a variety of ailments but none that would have caused such a sudden death at 58 years old.  The ER doctors listed her death as vascular collapse.  Essentially, she died of dehydration.

Carolyn’s death was as sudden as it was preventable.  Trained as a nurse, she knew how to take care of herself but she didn’t. Again, Sharon was not able to see her sister before she died as happened with her mother.  To this day she finds it difficult to believe her sister is dead.

Krista’s Cancer

Within weeks of our return from Tennessee for the memorial for Carolyn and our family gathering we found out that our oldest daughter, Krista, was diagnosed with stage 3/4 colorectal cancer.  When Sharon returned

Krista

from the doctor’s office with the information about her cancer and the treatment her baby would have to face she was beside herself.  Her pain and anguish were palpable.  Surgery was scheduled, completed; she had 28 radiation treatments, and 12 chemotherapy treatments.  She has also suffered from many horrible side effects of the treatment she received.

Thankfully, Krista has completed her last treatment for cancer a couple of weeks ago.  She still has to endure two further surgeries, uncertainty about her future and extensive genetic testing before her trauma of this stage ends.  Thankfully, she is feeling well and scans show clear.

After Krista’s surgery and waiting for her chemotherapy to begin Krista and Sharon planned for Kim’s wedding.

Kim and Adam’s Wedding

Adam and Kim

Just a short period after Krista’s surgery/recovery, before she started her radiation and chemotherapy and a year + one day after my heart transplant, May 24th, 2009 Kim and Adam got married in Knoxville, Tennessee.  It was a proud day for us as our last child married.   Kim and Adam’s wedding was a joyous event to which we all looked forward.  I did complain that no one paid any attention to my one year anniversary of my transplant.  No one listened!

Barbara’s Cancer

Finally, late October I found out that my sister, Barbara, was facing her 5th bout with cancer

Barbara

including her second bout with breast cancer.  As part of her treatment she will have to endure chemotherapy and have a double mastectomy.  This information hit me like a truck and by way of being my wife, Sharon was struck also.

This is too much

Sharon as I said earlier has had a couple treacherous years.  She expected me to die from heart failure, her mother died, Carolyn died, her niece Jenny faced unbelievable challenges with her premature twin girls and two diagnoses of cancer in our family.

I remember Sharon saying that it was just unfathomable to face so much in such a short time.  All this stress, loss and pressure does not include the need she faced to cut staff at First Care and deal with the most difficult financial times a non-profit organization has in many years.

She suffered as she watched her family struggle.  She was impotent to change or influence what was happening.  But, the hope and faith she held to during my illness was stretched t h i n during these two years but unbroken.   

She was convinced His sovereignty and goodness is always there even when darkness is all you see. She saw more than what was evident.  She saw God working for His Glory and her good .

Adverto Coram Deo

David
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Haiti: When the earth moves

Published January 20, 2010 Christian Suffering , Denial of suffering , God's goodness , God's sovereignty Leave a Comment
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When the earth shakes lives are devastated.

I know all of us are stunned by the devastation in people and property due to the earthquake in Haiti. I also know that none of us need more comments from another “talking head” or in this case a “writing blogger”. Words are inadequate to express what we have been shown by news organizations. No words can describe the horror to this poor island country. So no more words will be said.

Yet allow me a few words related to how the sufferer reacts to the suffering of others

  • Many people I meet who suffer comment on their suffering with statements like the following: “Well I don’t have it as bad as …..” or “What I am facing is nothing like that which……is experiencing” or “There but the grace of God go I” or other derivations of this same sediment. I have often asked if making these statements gives them any relief of their own suffering and I can’t remember one telling me yes.
  • Please understand that there will always be suffering that appears to be greater than our own. But, our suffering is neither lessened by comparison or by diminution. Suffering is authentic suffering in the life of those who suffer.
  • If we do attempt to lessen or diminish our suffering we also diminish our experience of Christ’s magnificent mercy, grace, goodness, sovereignty and hope. We also suffer the loss of our witness to the world of our hope in Him as well as the sanctification available from suffering.

When the earth shakes….When our world shakes

One of the most unsettling things I can think of is for the solid earth to shake. I know that in some parts of the world like California the earth shakes all the time. I recently added an application on my iPhone that reports all earthquake activity around the world was shocked by the number of quakes occurring every day.   I believe I counted 46 earthquakes or aftershocks in Haiti alone during this time of horror. For us in south Florida the earth does not shake and I have become accustom to a solid earth experience but many places around the world do not have that experience.

While the earth might not shake many of us have experienced our “world” shaking. I know my world “shook” over my health problems as well as Krista’s cancer. While none of us want our world to shake it often does. Our solid world begins to rock and roll like the earth did in the video above.

When our world shakes in these areas it feels like the earth is shaking.

Finances
Career
Relationships
Health
Marriage
Friends

The Haitian people felt the earth shake around them and shake up their world crashing concrete and rubble down upon them and their loved ones devastating their very existence. Yet, I saw on TV many Haitians calling upon the sovereign God to save and sustain them. I was moved.

When our world shakes around us as it will and has already for some of my readers will our voices have the same unshakable conviction of God’s power and sovereignty? Or will we become angry or attempt to manipulate God to keep our world unshaken and unfortunately our faith un-stretched? I pray not.

None of us want the earth to shake or our world to become shaken up. Yet, I pray that when your world shakes, as it will, you will move toward developing the conviction of God’s sovereignty and His goodness in the shaking.

Adverto Coram Deo

David
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The Suffering “Sniff Test”

Published January 13, 2010 Uncategorized 3 Comments
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Lately, I am finding myself devouring blogs, books, internet articles, and the scriptures on the topic of suffering.  I also am paying more attention to pastors, Sunday school teaching and discussion as well as Christian leaders as they talk about suffering for the Christian.  My Google search on suffering or more specifically Christian suffering finds more material than one could ever read.  Unfortunately, much of the material I have reviewed seems to be written by people who do not appear to have suffered well or embraced suffering in their own lives.

I’m getting frustrated.

It seems so many people speak knowingly about suffering while they appear to keep it at an arm’s length.  Often the blogs, books or articles seem to be reporting suffering as found in a newspaper or teaching lessons on the topic rather than being intimately involved with it.

Getting in trouble again

I realize that I am getting dangerously close to violating a premise I have held as a Christian counselor for some 25+ years.  Occasionally, I have been asked by clients how I believed I can counsel a person if I have not experienced what they have lived through.   Over the years, I have confidently assured them that I did not have to experience their life’s story to be able to help them.  This is true.  I have not experienced a divorce, death of a child, a relative murdered or the vast variety of hurts brought to me over the years.  Honestly, I don’t want to have those experiences personally.  But, now I have given that question another look as it comes to the topic of suffering.

Today’s devotional from Os Hillman titled Wrestling with God made a powerful impact on me as it relates to the frustrations expressed above.   The devotional based on Gen. 32:31 discussed the results of Jacob wrestling with God.  Jacob wrestled with the angel of God and would not let go without receiving a blessing.  He did receive the blessing and a meaningful name change.  But, he passed the rest of his days with a limp.  The devotional ended with this powerful phrase.

“Beware of the Christian leader who does not walk with a limp.”

Thinking about it Dan Allender wrote a book on leadership titled “Leading with a limp”.

While as a counselor I might not have experienced the trauma presented me in the counseling room over the years I think any seasoned counselor develops a sort of a limp through his work.  All of us have spoken to someone we feel just doesn’t have the life experience to relate to what we are facing.  They may not have developed that limp yet.  Some people gain a limp while yet young while others never walk with a limp.

Those who suffer well walk with a limp..

Joyce Landorf, now Joyce Landorf Heatherley, wrote “Silent September” in 1984 to document her days of constant pain due to TMJ.  I no longer have a copy of the book but remember her writing about a similar frustration as mine.  She stated several times in this book that she could tell when a person she spoke with or read their material on suffering really had not suffered deeply.  She could tell those who had not embraced their suffering or were not (using my word) suffered well.  It was as if she could just smell it.  Like the suffering sniff test.

Now those of you who are “old timers” might remember that Joyce had been a frequent speaker and writer in the 70’s and early 80’s.  But, the decade of the 80’s was one her darkest periods.  Her 32 year marriage ended in divorce.  This unthinkable, unbelievable demise ended her public life of singing, speaking and writing.  Many in the evangelical community were shocked, angered, and disappointed with her attempted to negatively impact her influence as a speaker and writer.  She later wrote of that period of pain and loss in the book “Unworldly People”. Understanding all this and the baggage Joyce might bring with her in your minds, she has suffered deeply and intimately understands loss and the impact of suffering on her life and in the lives Christians.

Sniff Test

I know when I read and listen to others speak of suffering I seem to be able to “smell” whether they have suffered or suffered well.  Many of you who suffer can almost “smell” it also, can’t you?  You can almost tell when the person speaking or writing on suffering has not embraced it or suffered well.  Because of my years of heart failure many people who have know my story have commented that I carry credibility when it comes to suffering because of the journey God had taken me on.  But, none of us who suffer wanted our life impacted in this way but, those who embrace the suffering or suffer well are different.  They speak differently, pray differently, look at the scriptures differently and relate to life differently.

Suffering changes people….

  • Some have faced death
  • Some have endured unthinkable pain
  • Some have experienced unrelenting loss
  • Some have had life changing experiences
  • Some face a life on unknown consequences

Recently a friend told me he was worried about me.  He worried about me because I spoke and wrote on suffering so much.  Yet, in that same conversation, I showed him how he had been suffering unfair treatment in a project he was pursuing.  Suffering is universal and we are unable to avoid it no matter how much we attempt to call it by different names or discard it as immaterial.

If you suffer well you have come to the deepest conviction that God is not “asleep behind a tree” or “missed it”.  Your deep conviction is that God for His mysterious reasons is intimately involved with your story, that it is a good story in His economy and that it will bring about your sanctification and His Glory.

Embraced suffering is the source of peace while avoided or suffering opposed is the source of anxiety and depression.

Suggestions if similarly frustrated

  • Listen to those who have suffered.
  • Listen to those who have suffered well and who talk about it.
  • Explore how they handled their unwelcome story of suffering.
  • Many speak and write about the topic academically.  Their information is useful and can be encouraging.
  • Give everyone the sniff test.  Does it “smell” like they have experienced personally the Magnificence of Christ as they embrace their unwelcome stories of suffering or are just reporting about it?
  • Beware of the Christian leader who does not walk with a limp.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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“My Story of Suffering #3 Spiritual “God’s Story vs. My Story”

Published January 7, 2010 Uncategorized 6 Comments
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First Sail

On a recent trip to a favorite weekend vacation place Sharon’s phone rang unexpectedly.  I was driving so she mouthed with surprise the call was from was Dr. A., my cardiophysiologist. (pacemaker/defibrillator doctor).  Following the call Sharon told me that Dr. A. seemed hesitant at the beginning of the call as she asked Sharon how she was doing following my death.

She saw “MY” death notice in the local paper

Dr. A. said wanted to wait a short time to call Sharon to allow her to adjust to my death.  Sitting there driving the car I heard Sharon tell Dr. A. that I was fine and was driving the car at that very moment.

Well, we found out that there was a death notice on November 8, 2009 in the Palm Beach Post for Brewer, David W., 55.   Well, were we shocked?  Absolutely!  My name happens to be David W. Brewer and I am 57 years old.  Pretty close.  But, there are some similarities too significant not to share.

Palm Beach Post Death Notice December 8, 2009

May of 2008 I was 55 years old and was within weeks of dying when I was privileged to receive a life extending heart transplant on May 23rd.  This is documented in two previous blogs.

“My Story of Suffering”  The Facts Medically was published September 10, 2009

“My Story of Suffering” Emotional was published September 29, 2009

My transplant, medical and emotional history were documented in the two posts listed above.  The transplant might be considered the story but is not.  The real story is not what happened to my physical heart over the years culminating with my transplant, but rather the changes with my spiritual heart.

God’s Story vs. My Story (A Tale of Two Stories)

God’s story for my life and the story that I had “planned”, “expected” were vastly different.  Following my massive heart attack at the age of 43 it was clear those stories were becoming increasingly divergent.  Before the heart attack I was a healthy athletic man, father, husband, running a respected professional biblical counseling practice and active in the Christian community.  Sharon was working in a job she enjoyed, our oldest was going to college in the fall, the other daughter had established her in school and sports and was to enter high school  and our son was in a pretty good place in the 6th grade.  My plans were for things to go on as usual and to continue to grow as a father, husband and man.

Yet, God had other plans for me.  I must confess I was ticked. Life was not going the way I expected,  it was completely interrupted and sent askew.  No longer was I athletic, my work was impacted and my role of father and husband was changed immeasurably.    I did as most of us do in similar situations when life is not going the way we expect.  I got mad, depressed, pleaded, cried, attempted to manipulate, asked why (See blog on asking why?), and attempted to see what I had done to bring this into my life.

I knew I was not alone in this struggle.  My counseling room, every church pew and many Christian homes are filled with those who experience these divergent stories.  The Holy Scriptures are also filled with names where their story of life and God’s story for them were different.

Paul, Job, Jacob and Joseph, Abraham and Sarah examples of the Tale of Two Stories

Paul was born in the tribe of Benjamin, Hebrew of Hebrews, Pharisee, blameless keeper of the Law, and persecutor of the church (Phil. 3:3-7).  That was his story but God’s story for him changed at his dramatic conversion on the Damascus road. (Acts 9:3-18)

Job was a wealthy landowner, had 7 sons and 3 daughters.  He was blameless, upright, fearing God and turned away from evil. (Job 1:1)  His expectation for his life was that of continued success while God’s story involved him losing all he valued on earth to value He who is forever.  (See Job)

Abraham and Sarah when approached by the angel telling them they would conceive a child in their old age had different reactions.  Abraham said nothing and Sarah laughed.  Her story for her old age did not include child birth but God’s story for them was different. (Gen. 18:12-15)

Jacob and Joseph had vastly different experiences when Joseph brought his sons to their grandfather to be blessed.  Joseph placed his eldest nearest to his father Jacob’s right hand (a greater blessing) and his younger son closest to his father’s left hand.  As his father placed his hands on the boy’s heads he crossed his arms and gave the greater blessing to the younger instead of the elder.  This was not the story Joseph had written in his mind and as he tried to switch his father’s hands Jacob told him he knew that he was blessing the younger over the older because he would be greater than the older.  God’s story was different than Joseph’s.  (Gen 49:17-19)

You’re Tale of Two Stories

My life exemplified a tale of two stories as did those above and the many others unmentioned.  How about you? Has your life demonstrated the disparity between your story and God’s story?  Has this disparity occured in your marriage, with your children, health, career, friends, church or finances?

What happened to my physical heart was the replacement of a failed heart for a good one.  What happened to my spiritual heart was the replacement of a failed view of God and life with a proper view of God and life.  That came from a long hard fought battle of developing the deeply held conviction that:

  • · There are always two stories.  Invisible and visible.
  • · The visible story (mine) most of the time seems good to me.
  • · The invisible story (God’s) often is in conflict with my story and many times considered as not good.
  • · There is a constant battle between the Two Stories
  • · There must be genuine deeply experienced mourning over the existence of the Two Stories ending in repentance.
  • · Most of us state we embrace deeply God’s story. But really do not.
  • · Many of us will not admit that we are demanding of God that our story prevail.
  • · The road to true peace or better said embracing God’s Story is rugged, steep, slick, painful and filled with boulders.  It is not found by those who seek pleasure, safety, and security and avoid introspection.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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Christian Suffering: The Prescient Eye of God and Asking Why during Suffering

Published December 15, 2009 Uncategorized 4 Comments
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Charles Spurgeon

“God has marked with prescient eye all the requirements of His poor wandering children, and when those needs occur, supplies are ready.  It is goodness which He has prepared for the poor in heart, goodness and goodness only”

Morning and Evening Devotional Charles Spurgeon

Antiquated English

Having written on God’s sovereignty in the past as it relates to suffering and the challenges we face in this fallen world these words struck me as encouraging. The English in the quote might be a little antiquated but true none the less. Charles Spurgeon considered one of the greatest preachers ever wrote these words in the late 1800′s.  It is now 2009 soon to be 2010 and these words ring important today.

Spurgeon states God has marked with prescient eye all the requirements of his poor wandering children and those supplies are at the ready.  First, what does the word prescient mean?  Encarta Dictionary: pre∙sci∙ent (adjective) knowing in advance (having or showing knowledge of actions or events before they take place).  Today, we don’t use the word prescient often (as a matter of fact I had never heard the word before) we are more used to hearing and using the word sovereign.

The Ready Room

First, Spurgeon tells us God, has foreknowledge of actions or events that will occur to His children.  Second, he tells us God has readied supplies beforehand to meet the needs of these actions or events.  As I read that I envisioned a room with my name on the door filled with Gods resources intended and waiting for my present and future needs.  I also envision rooms filled with resources for many others who call upon the name of Christ. Resources at the ready prepared beforehand to be used in time of need!

Now the questioning and complaining begins

Spurgeon next states:  “It is goodness, goodness and goodness only that is prepared”.  Many of us, who have suffered or continue to, might question that statement with great passion.

  • “The supplies sure don’t feel like they are good?”
  • “How come life is so hard for me?”
  • “Now, does this situation feel good and good only. “
  • “I don’t seem to be getting any of those prepared and ready supplies.  I need them now.”
  • “How could a good, sovereign God allow this to occur?”
  • “When will it end and the resources start flowing”.
  • “What good could come of this?”
  • “I think I know what it is that is good and this is not it.”

The questions and statements could go on and on without end.  But, Spurgeon says with foreknowledge God has stored up “good and only good” supplies for his people.

The Tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Gen. 2.16-17)

Over the years, I have done what many would call unscientific research (better known as “dirty research”).  One of the objects of my research can be found in the following question.

Why do you think God did not want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

I have asked pastor and parishioner alike across several denominations and found surprising results.  Most respondents answered the question inaccurately.  Better said they answered the question incompletely.   Incomplete according to what I believe is the correct and complete answer.

Oh boy, now I am about to get myself in trouble!

Many answered God did not what them to become like Him in knowledge while others simply said because God told them not to eat from it and desired their obedience.  I believe the complete answer has everything to do with the truth of the words spoken by Spurgeon above and being able to “Suffer Well”.

They only knew Good

God did not want them to eat from the fruit for by eating they would know both good and evil.  This is significant because before they ate of that forbidden tree they only knew good.  They had no knowledge of evil up to that point.  Zero Zip Nada

They lived in a place where everything was seen as good.  Their work, where they lived, how they lived, their relationship, their clothing (or lack thereof), their relationship with God and anything that occurred in the garden were good.   During the creation of the universe we see God’s punctuation mark of “it is good” following each creation.  We also see that punctuation mark exaggerated at the creation of man “it is very good”.  Adam and Eve knew only good.  Whatever happened during the time they lived in the Garden of Eden before the fall was good and only good.

Why?

Why is this significant? Before the fall there is no record of Adam and Eve questioning anything.  There was never a why question uttered by them to each other or in their relationship with God.  Following the fall they understood evil as well as good and the questioning and challenging of God began.  His works and words were no longer seen as good they were suspect in the eyes of sinful man. It immediately became man’s standard.  We see the questioning of God throughout biblical history.  We see it today in everyday life.  I see it in my life and if you are honest you see it in your life as well.

Remember the room of prescient resources spoken of by Spurgeon?  He called the resources as good and good only.

When we suffer or encounter difficulties in our lives don’t we question God?  I know I am prone to do so.  Our questions are always directed toward wondering why a good God allowed this or that to happen because we don’t see all the actions of God as good like Adam and Eve did before the fall.  We no longer see everything that happens under the prescient eye of God as good.

Good and only good

Ever wonder what it would be like to see all things that occur under the prescient eye and hand of God as good and good only.  Certainly doing that is a huge challenge as we face life’s challenges.  Yet to have the deepest authentic conviction that whatever is created by God and under His sovereign, prescient will is punctuated as He did during creation by the words “it was good” or “it is very good”.

This conviction if deeply held and aware as Spurgeon stated there are “supplies ready” for us His poor and wandering children will not alleviate suffering, evil or the challenges of life but give us hope, a deep awareness of the magnificence of Christ, and peace found in the knowledge of His prescient eye and ready resources.  When I challenge and question God I subtly attempt to place myself in His place which requires repentance.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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