“What about the unhealed?”

Published February 2, 2012 Christian Suffering , Denial of suffering , God's sovereignty , Suffering Well , Uncategorized Leave a Comment

Unhealed!!!

A dear friend lost his wife at a young age to breast cancer. She died about a year ago after years of suffering cancer’s destruction of her body. She left a loving husband, two young children and a large and involved extended family. These good people were active and in leadership in a local church, school and community. From the outside you might say they had a great life and future until cancer entered their lives.

With tears in his eyes he told his story of loss. His wife was a loving stay at home mom full of life and deeply involved with him and the children. The diagnosis of breast cancer came so unexpectedly, so unwelcomed and so shockingly.

They sought the best medical treatment available locally as well as from leaders in the field of breast cancer treatment. They participated in all the available treatment options. Yet after some initially hopeful signs the cancer returned and stayed. She succumbed to the painful death cancer can bring on a person and family physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Both came from large Midwestern families deeply devoted to the Lord and their church. Because of their extended families their story reached many churches across the country bring about an ever-increasing prayer circle. All were praying for her healing. But, healing did not happen. Death happened. It happened when the children need their mother most, a time when couples are beginning to more fully enjoy the lives they have made for themselves. The prayers did not yield the desired results.  In the end she became so weak she was placed into hospice care where she died.

My friend asked one of the most challenging questions since I began writing and thinking about suffering. “Why are some unhealed?  Why was my wife left unhealed?”

My initial reply was the answer I have given to many people I encounter who asks the why question when it comes to God’s actions or appearing inaction.

“Why is this significant? Before the fall there is no record of Adam and Eve questioning anything. There was never a why question uttered by them to each other or in their relationship with God. Following the fall they understood evil as well as good and the questioning and challenging of God began. His works and words were no longer seen as good, they were now suspect in the eyes of sinful man. This immediately became man’s standard. We see the questioning of God throughout biblical history. We see it today in everyday life. I see it in my life and if you are honest you see it in your life as well.” From awellbrewedheart.com under the title of Christian Suffering: The Prescient Eye of God and Asking Why during Suffering

But, that answer in the presence of my friend suffering the loss of his wife did not satisfy me.  I thought of myself, my family members, other friends and acquaintances suffering from a vast variety of afflictions and knew the answer needed to be more complete.  I needed to look further into the issue.

 

Others are asking the same question

I know that many of us have someone in our lives who has struggled with the damnable disease of cancer. I have read and wept over the vivid descriptions of suffering written in the comments to this blog.  Personally, my thoughts go immediately to my daughter (Krista) who has had stage 3 colon/rectal cancer, my sister who has battled with several forms of cancer and my lifelong friend, Margot (a reader and frequent commenter on the blog) and her breast cancer. Some of us have seen our loved ones win the battle against cancer. Many of us have seen death while others have experienced lingering anxiety over their longevity and recurrence.

Now, I face the possibility of cancer. Recently, I blogged about my diagnosis of acromegaly (What is Acromegaly? I am Acromegalic?). The frustration continues as my doctor tries to determine the source of my elevated IGF-1 (growth hormone) levels. I have had 2 negative pituitary gland scans (the location where these tumors usually are found) and now my doctor suspects it is an ectopic tumor (somewhere else in my body). These are very rare and are found using a MIBG scan that is done over a period of 4 days. The tumor they are looking for are called neuroendocrine tumors or carcinoids (10% end up cancerous). But today, I found out that my health insurance will not pay for the scan.  This road block continues to frustrate me and my doctor in making the proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

Many who read my blog are suffering from many ailments and afflictions. Each have wanted, pleaded and prayed to God for healing. Some suffer from chronic back pain, infertility, others from constant unrelenting pain or from the pain of broken or lost relationships. Some are facing financial battles, not enough income, the threat or reality of foreclosure, unemployment or disability. Each of us as believers has prayed for a remedy but many continue unhealed. 

What do the scriptures say about the unhealed?

First, the scriptures tell of healing done by Jesus and His apostles. Yet, there are a few people who were not healed by Jesus and his apostles. Jesus could have healed Paul but did not (2 Cor 12:7). Paul had the gift of healing but Timothy was not healed of his stomach disorder. (1 Tim. 5:23). He could heal Epaphroditus who came near to death but did not. (Philippians 2:25–27) He also left Trophimus unhealed from his sickness. (2 Timothy 4:20) The disciples could not heal the demonic boy. (Matt 17:14-21)  Finally, Jesus healed the lame man at pool of Bethesda but He left unhealed a multitude of invalids waiting with the healed lame man. Jesus had the capacity to heal them all yet He chose only to heal one. (John 5:1-14)

What do these passages tell us about the unhealed among us?….

Because of the self-imposed word limit on this blog you will have to wait for the next blog for the conclusion of this topic.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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Stay on the Anvil

Published October 28, 2011 Christian Suffering , God's goodness , God's sovereignty , Suffering Well 3 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Stay on the Anvil

When God wants to drill a man
And thrill a man
And skill a man
When God wants to mold a man
To play the noblest part

When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed,
Watch His methods, watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects!
How He hammers him and hurts him
And with mighty blows converts him
Into shapes and forms of clay
Which only God can understand.

How He bends but never breaks
When his good He undertakes
How He uses whom He chooses
And with mighty power infuses him
With every act induces him
To try His splendor out –
God knows what He’s about.

Author unknown.

I do not like poems

For some reason in do not like poems. I think it began in elementary school and continues to this very day. Even when I listen to them read I find myself with a HUH? look on my face. I love reading the classics and this summer I tried to read some classic poetry and found I could not get into them…. I can already hear the comments from readers telling me how much I am missing, how beautiful and the serenity of poems. I think my struggles with poems fall back to my ADHD (that’s always a good thing to blame) or the fact that I stumble when I read both mentally and verbally.

As to serenity give the smell of two cycle smoke coming from an outboard motor and salt spray. But, this poem was different. It states what so many Christians want to hear about suffering, the challenges of daily living, loss, personal hurt, God’s sovereignty, His Goodness and the overriding question of WHY?.

What is said?

This poem reminds me of a previous blog of a similar name Christian suffering: Life on the edge of a knife. That blog could easily been titled Staying on the Blade. I remember the following blog spoke of my “falling off the blade” or in the vernacular of today’s blog getting off the anvil when I heard of my sisters fourth bout with cancer.

I was struck with the phrase in the poem ”watch His methods, watch His ways”. In my opinion, our society, maybe our church, maybe our fallen sinful nature has caused many Christians to become “soft”. We have not been taught nor do we embrace the truth of suffering as seen in the scriptures. Frankly, most people I encounter do not embrace suffering as a healthy, normal, expected part of the Christian experience.   In a previous blog Suffering is not taught to Christians today I go into detail of how modern Christians have not developed a theology of suffering. Frankly, I did not have a developed theology on suffering until the need was forced upon me.

What are His methods?

See the words expressed in the poem. “Drill, Mold, Ruthless, Hammers, Hurts, With Mighty Blows, Bends”. Most of us when we read these words react with cringes and desires to flee to a place of serenity (2 cycle smoke and salt spray). Frankly, in my most base self I want to be anywhere but on the anvil!  Often. it doesn’t matter it is the God who loves me who is doing this
I want nothing of it. But, the poem says “He chooses”, and “He royally elects”. Don’t we all deep in our heart say “please choose someone else“? I want peace, pleasure and a life of no strife. Not many say to themselves “bring it on” or thank God for the opportunity to suffer for His sake. (Acts 5.41)

What are His ways?

“He yearns with all His heart to create a bold man that all the world shall be amazed”

So many time I have found myself telling fellow suffers that God’s purpose in suffering is His Glorification and our sanctification. Here I have to add two additional parts to God’s purposes. He yearns with all His heart to create a bold man. Do you get that??? With all the heart of the Almighty God, maker of heaven and earth, Lord of Lords and God of God’s, He yearns to create bold men. Not only does He want these bold men to amaze the world. He wants us to be bold in our life in Christ, bold in our faith and bold in our living for Christ no
matter what happens to us.

“Into shapes and forms of clay which only God can understand”

God with His intentionality toward us forms and shapes in ways often confusing to us but “into shapes and forms which only God can understand”. Don’t you find when you are under pressure or suffering and feel the bending, the hammer and the blows? The shape or the story God is forming in your life is not the shape or story you think best. You would rather be bent a different way into a different shape. But, only God can understand His purposes.

“And with mighty power infuses him with every act induces him to try His splendor out”

God with His unlimited power breathes into us and convinces us to try out His splendor and power found within. Not only are we breathed into by Him we are encouraged to use His crafting. Don’t hold it within. Living the mighty work in you shows God’s mighty forming in us.

The so what’s?

As always what is the point of this poem?

Staying on the Anvil.

  • ·
    God ruthlessly shapes us into forms only He can understand; at the same
    time we ask Him why.  Though He rarely confides to us the answers to that question.  His knows the answers are found in His Holy Scriptures.
  • ·
    We are bent but never broken though broken we often feel; at the same time we attempt to negotiate, plead, pray or manipulate God into being gentler with us.
  • ·
    God knows what He is about; at the same time we often feel His absense during times of suffering.
  • ·
    Staying on the anvil is counterintuitive to us.  Why would we want to be drilled, molded, hammered, hurt, experience blows, shaped and bent to point of breaking but not broken?

Each one must answer that last question on their own.

My answer is fueled by the grace, mercy, forgiveness, goodness of Christ and God Almighty.  It is determined by the characteristics of God…Not by the characteristics of me.

How do you answer the question? What do you base if on?  When the bending feels like the searing pain of breaking do you stay on the anvil?…

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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What is Acromegaly? I am Acromegalic?

Published September 23, 2011 Christian Suffering , God's goodness , God's sovereignty , Suffering Well 2 Comments

I was tired all the time

For almost two years I have not been feeling quite up to par. Par being not feeling how I thought I should feel with my new heart.

Of course the first thing we thought was my heart was being rejected by my body. Yet, I did not have the expected list of symptoms associated with rejection. After a couple of trips to Miami to be checked out by my transplant cardiologist, Dr. J, all he could say it that it is not my heart causing the tiredness. He knew I had trouble following the heart transplant with a very low testosterone level he suggested a more aggressive treatment.

The more aggressive testosterone of hormone replacement treatment did not improve my condition so Dr. J suggested I see an endocrinologist and get a full battery of test in an attempt to figure out what was causing my malaise.  For any of you who have had to visit an endocrinologist you know what is going to happen next. You go to the phlebotomist’s office; you roll up your sleeve and wonder whether you have enough blood for all the tubes lined up on the table. I knew I had enough blood since I had already experienced the “crazy” phlebotomist’s at Jackson Memorial during my pre-transplant evaluation by giving them 24 tubes of blood. 

The results are in

The results came in and revealed as suspected my testosterone was below a 100 when normal average levels are around 250-850. Dr. K suggested start testosterone injections instead of the cream or patches. Now, Sharon reluctantly injects me with what she describes as a “very long needle” every other week. 

Dr. K started asking me some strange questions following the discussion about the injections.  Have my hands or feet sizes grown recently?  Is your wedding ring or hat tighter now than before?  Have your teeth shown any signs of more space between them?  Do you have more headaches that usual or has your sweat changed in anyway?  After answering yes to a couple of the questions she told me she suspected I had acromegaly because of my answers and the surprising lab result of an unusually high level (2 ½ times normal) of growth hormone IGF-1 in my blood. 

Acromegaly is disorder caused by a benign adenoma (tumor) on the pituitary gland that produces or rather over produces growth hormone IGF-1.  It is a chronic condition that gets worse over time and the only definitive treatment is removal of the adenoma from the pituitary gland.  This same condition if found in children is called giantism but after a child’s bone’s growth plates stop growing the diagnosis becomes acromegaly.

Dr. K’s greatest concerns were not the changes in my physical looks although it is a serious concern.  Her biggest concern is that acromegaly has serious side effects such as the development of diabetes and causes serious cardiac problems.  Knowing my history of the heart transplant made her gravely concerned as were Sharon and I.  She ordered a MRI to discover whether there was a tumor in addition to the high level of IGF-1.  The results showed I had a 3mm tumor.   

To give you an idea of some of the physical changes that can occur because of acromegaly I added a couple of pictures.  These represent men who have gone untreated for years.  You can see the enlargement of the forehead, jaw and elongation of the face.  Fortunately, I was diagnosed at an early stage and I do not show any obvious signs as do these men. 

There and back again

Now, armed with the MRI showing an adenoma, a second opinion, and multiple labs showing high IGF-1 level we began a search for a pituitary surgeon who had extensive surgical experience and worked  in a hospital with knowledge of organ transplants.  Unfortunately, none were to be found at my transplant center, Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami but, we found the next closest hospital to fulfill my requirements was Shands Hospital in Gainesville. 

We made a consult appointment with Dr. R fully expecting to have surgery the next day.  I just wanted this thing out of my head I told him.  During the intake by the Dr.’s nurse practitioner Dr. R. stuck his head in the room introduced himself and took the CD of the MRI to look at it. 

When he returned he shocked us by saying he saw no adenoma on the pituitary gland.  “I can’t do surgery on something I can’t see” he said.  “If it was Cushing’s disease (caused by a different type of tumor on the pituitary gland) I would go in and start taking out pieces of the pituitary gland because the life expectancy of a person with Cushing’s disease is about 3 years without surgery.  I did not have Cushing’s disease but rather Acromegaly so he wanted to see what he was cutting out.  As did we!

He decided I would have another MRI while in Gainesville and scheduled surgery the next morning if this MRI revealed more than the one I brought with me.   I had the MRI and went home with a surgery time for the next morning as well as a special type of soap to wash with before coming to the hospital.  As usual with surgery, I was NPO after midnight.  (No food or drink after midnight).  Dr. R told me that he would get his radiologist to read the MRI in the morning before surgery to confirm a target for surgery. 

The next morning we woke I washed as directed while Sharon had breakfast.  We were about to leave for the hospital and just as Sharon was putting on her shoes the phone rang and Dr. R telling me the MRI was normal.  His radiologist called it “stone cold normal”. No surgery.  Come back in six months for a follow-up consultation.  His last words were follow-up with your endocrinologist. 

Had I been healed?

We were stunned.  What a mixture of emotions!  We were pleased, relieved, frustrated, angry and confused all at the same time.  Had I been healed?  We had prayed for that! What were all these medical appointments for and what about the long and expensive trip to Gainesville?  I was prepared for having surgery and was disappointed it was not going to happen.  Thinking back I wonder whether there was something wrong with my brain.  I wanted to have a surgeon do a form of brain surgery on me?  What was I crazy?     

Being healed was our prayer and became our conviction as we packed up to leave about an hour after the phone call.  Remembering I had not eaten since the dinner I wanted to eat breakfast before launching into packing and heading home. 

But, had there been a healing?  Knowing there are two diagnostic criteria for acromegaly we would have to wait for the next lab results to see my IGF-1 levels.  I didn’t have an adenoma on my pituitary as determined by Dr. R all that was left was my IGF-1 results within the normal range.  Many years ago Sharon gave me a hand-made a jewelry box with Ps 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God”… We were again in a place of depending upon the sovereignty and character of God as my next labs were 3 months away.   During those three months we functioned as if a healing had occurred.

I was not healed!
My next labs came back again with my IGF-1 levels once again over twice normal and my endocrinologist was not surprised.  I told her I thought and prayed I had been healed but as you would expect most modern doctors do not hold heals by God as part of their view of medicine.  My text to Sharon after the appointment was “not healed”. 

Hebrews 4:14        Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. 16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

This passage has been an encouragement to Sharon and me as we have gone through the many challenges that have been our family’s story.  We deeply believe our story is written by God who can sympathize with our weakness and allows us to draw near in time of our need.  We have received mercy and grace as I have suffered from these many medical trials.  For which we are grateful. 

 Just recently…

I had a follow-up MRI and  again no adenoma was found in the pituitary gland.  We are pleased with these results yet confused as to what all this means.  Is there a healing?  What next?  Appointment with Dr. K my endocrinologist next week… 

1 Cor 14:33a “For God is not a God of confusion but of peace….”

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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Same Blog new location.

Published September 22, 2011 Uncategorized Leave a Comment

It pleases me to tell you that I have a new web presence for my blog on Suffering.

I recently obtained the domain name.  Please note that “A Well Brewed Heart” can now be found at http://awellbrewedheart.com .  I am planning to blog more often and hope this new domain will draw more attention from the global internet.  The previous web presence of http://awellbrewedheart.wordpress.com will continue and I will construct the blogs using WordPress.com

I would appreciate, if you have bookmarked the blogs address, to change the bookmark to show the new address of http://awellbrewedheart.com

Blessing

David

My Bucket List

Published August 1, 2011 Christian Suffering , God's goodness , God's sovereignty 11 Comments

As many of you know I received a life lengthening heart transplant in May of 2008.  After being so sick for so long I, like many people, had a “bucket list” of things I wanted to do or experience before I died.  The movie “Bucket List” made this a popular phrase today.  My list was long and included two entries pertaining to my 3 children; that I would see all of our children happily married and that I would get to see my grandchildren. When I became so sick that my only option was a transplant two of our three children were married and all I had at that time was “grand dogs”, no grandchildren in sight.

I am now three years and two months out from the transplant and am doing well.  God saw to it that my donor was such a perfect match that I have not been sick a day since I was transplanted.   At three years and one month post transplant this particular entry in my bucket list could be checked off!

Friday, July 1st, Sharon and I became grandparents for the first time!  John and Krista, our oldest, had a baby boy born weighing 5lbs. 13oz. and 17″ long.  They named him John Lloyd Shaw III after his daddy and granddaddy, now deceased.

This is a picture of John and Krista just minutes after little John came into the world. John was delivered through C-section but as you can tell; my daughter was not the one who just had surgery even though she and her husband were there to welcome their son into the world.  Krista’s cousin, Gretchen, carried John and Krista’s little boy as a surrogate.

Thus starts a complicated story

Some of my readers remember that two and ½ years ago Krista discovered she was suffering with stage 3 colorectal cancer.  She endured aggressive surgery, a year of chemotherapy and 31 rounds of radiation to her abdominal area.   We did not know whether she would survive the cancer.  Fortunately, 1 1/2 years following these treatments she is clear of all cancer and her prognosis is excellent!  For this we greatly rejoice and are grateful for the doctors who treated her and for God’s blessings.

However, there was other devastating news that our daughter and her husband had to face at the same time that Krista was preparing for surgery, chemo and radiation. The radiation would destroy Krista’s chance of having children. This was overwhelming and deeply heartbreaking for John and Krista who had been trying to start a family when the cancer was discovered. The one chance they had of having their own children was to harvest eggs prior to radiation and use a surrogate down the road. It was a very difficult decision for them to make for many reasons but they decided if this was their best chance to have their own children they would go for it.

Prior to that time Krista’s cousin Gretchen felt moved by God that she would be a surrogate for her sister, Jenny who was having infertility difficulties of her own.  The need for that ended when Jenny became pregnant and gave birth to very premature twins; two “one pounders”.  Fortunately, they are doing very well and will soon have their 3rd birthday!  Gretchen then wondered, if not Jenny then who, Lord? When Gretchen heard of Krista’s need she knew God had prepared her to be Krista’s surrogate.

The couples agreed to the surrogate arrangements and began the long and often difficult journey. Friday, July 1st, John was born via C-section. What a glorious time of celebration and thanksgiving.  Everyone was shedding
tears of joy – even the nurses!  My daughter and son-in-law could not stop smiling the entire day and could not take their eyes off their healthy, beautiful little boy.  Gretchen came through surgery well and was so grateful she could do this amazing thing for her cousin!

A difficult season for all

As you might imagine, even though this has been an amazing story, it has also been a story deep in personal pain for Krista and John.  Plus it has been very difficult for Gretchen and Paul also.  Everyone suffered during the miracle of the conception, carrying and delivery of John.   None of us would have imagined the challenges that would show themselves during the pregnancy for both families.

To respect the privacy of those involved I will be fairly vague but clear enough to give you a sense of what has happened during the time of the pregnancy.

There was:

  • a job loss
  • health problems
  • a threat of cancer
  • a deep loss of not being able to carry her own baby and bond with him during pregnancy
  • financial challenges
  • Distance  of miles between Gretchen and Krista
  • relationship challenges

This has been another chapter to the story that God continues to write in the life of our family.  As my readers of this blog know we have seen the suffering at its deepest level.  My years of sickness followed by a successful heart transplant, Krista’s colon cancer/treatment followed by clean PET scans, and the losses we have had with Sharon’s mom and sister’s death. This story written by God does not appear to be a ‘good’ story in our eyes at the time it is written.  But, through it we continue to see the genuine sovereignty of God, the magnificence of Christ, His mercy, His grace and His goodness given to undeserving sinners like us.

We celebrate the birth of John Lloyd Shaw III.  I like his nick name “Sheriff” given by John his dad.  I can’t bring myself to call him that now but I’m sure someday it will fit him.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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Update Krista

Published October 26, 2010 Uncategorized Leave a Comment

Krista came home from the hospital last Friday. 

After spending about a week in the hospital and enduring many tests, exams, and hours of waiting we know the same as we did before all the above.  NOTHING

I wish I could report that there was some conclusion or answer to the pain Krista experienced last week but there were none.  She may need to take another test on an outpatient basis but that is to be determined. 

We believe that the radiation and chemotherapy she had last year did untold damage to her body while it was ridding her of cancer. 

Thank you for your prayers.  They are needed and appreciated. 

Adverto Coram Deo

Update Krista

Published October 19, 2010 Uncategorized 3 Comments

Friends often ask me how Krista is doing and I have been negligent in updating my blog on her current health situation.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Krista’s health situation a summary of the last year and a half is in order. Early last year (2009) Krista doctors diagnosed her with stage 3/4 colorectal cancer. This is a very unusual problem for someone 30 years old. After this diagnosis she received excellent treatment from a wonderful local oncologist and a world-renowned colorectal surgeon at Cleveland Clinic in Weston. She had surgery, radiation, and chemo therapy over the next year.

Thankfully, six months after the end of her treatment in January 2010 she had a clear PET scan and has been cancer free.

This week

After being symptom free for the entire year other than minor issues Krista has been in the hospital this week. She has been in the hospital this week for problems with severe pain around the area of her abdomen and her head. No, there does not appear a recurrence of cancer.

Today

This morning I was calling her to wish her a happy birthday and I discovered she was in the emergency room waiting for the doctors to do a scan on her abdomen. Yes, it is her birthday today. So I went to see her and bring her some flowers and balloons to cheer her up. The doctors found from her scan an iritation in the area of her intestines that might be related to a previous surgery.

Because of her complicated history her oncologist released her from the local hospital to go directly to Cleveland Clinic hospital in Weston to see a surgeon who is expecting her…

Please pray for Krista, John, our family and Sharon and I. We are in the midst of several medical assaults (Krista, Sharon and me included).

Ps 40:12 came to mind today “For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.” NIV. We are praying and ask for yours also that though numerous troubles (medical) surround us we continue to see the Good and Sovereign God at work. Troubles many times blind us from seeing the work of God and only see the troubles we are experiencing.

More later as I have info to share.

Adverto Coram Deo

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Living in that Most Dreadful place and doing the Hardest Thing

Published September 20, 2010 Uncategorized 2 Comments

Living in that Most Dreadful place and doing the Hardest Thing

How does one live in that most dreaded place of having no option other than trusting God?  How do we practically respond to this statement by Lewis (from previous blog entry)?  How can we live doing the “Hardest Thing”?

I recently read a blog by John Bryson from Acts 29, Memphis Fellowship titled “Learning to be Miserable”.  He made the following comments:

  • “In Stephen Pressfield’s classic “War of Art”, {please do not confuse this with “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu as I did momentarily} he mentions that the high performers, the creatives, those who produce, those who are effective, etc. eventually have to learn to “be miserable””…
  • “Navy Seals teach this…one of my friends at dinner mentioned how two-a-day football practices taught him this…another friend added how Medical school Residency taught him this…I threw in how that was my greatest lesson in training for and running a marathon…you can be miserable, and still move forward, produce and thrive.  God teaches this…see Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Paul…take your pick”
  • “The few truly understand, theologically, that we live in a fallen world, this is not heaven (thank God), life is hard, there is much pain, disappointment and misery…but in the midst of that, by God’s grace, we can learn to cultivate and create in the midst of circumstances that will rarely, if ever, be ideal” 

Pressfield and Bryson tell us to “Learn to be miserable”.  Lewis said it is “a most dreadful place to having to depend solely on God”.

My Second Blog Entry

On the first of September of last year I wrote my second blog titled “Suffering is not taught today to Christians”.   In that blog I quoted Randy Alcorn, author of a bestselling book on suffering and evil “If God is Good” and Founder and Director of Eternal Perspective Ministries.  He once wrote; “Our failure to teach a biblical theology of suffering leaves Christians unprepared for harsh realities…”

Bryson repeats Alcorn’s clarion call “few truly understand, theologically, that we live in a fallen world, this is not heaven (thank God), life is hard, there is much pain, disappointment and misery…” Bryson continues with “A friend once told me to pinch Genesis Chapters 1 and 2 in one hand and Revelations Chapters 19 and 20 in the other.  Those 4 chapters are perfection.  The other 1,185 chapters in the Bible teach us to contend in the midst of a fallen world”.

When speaking with the average christian I find unanimous consent in their opinion of this world not being heaven or the Garden of Eden and living in this fallen world means hurt, pain, suffering and disappointment.  Yet, when many of these same people encounter the many consequences this fallen world often brings their previously stated conviction fails them.  We all do it.  I often am the first to do it.  We complain about our pain, hurts and disappointments in whatever form they come to us.  Be they financial, physical, relational or personal we complain.

But why do we complain?

Our complaints come in the context of comparisons or expectations.  If one complains about finances it usually in the context of having to little.  Very rarely will you find someone complaining about their abundance.  If the complaint is about health it is in the context of the loss of health not the abundance of it.  If our complaint is in relationships we would not often hear a person complaining about them going well but rather the opposite.

Now the Rub

We are rarely miserable when things are going well but rather the opposite.  Misery and suffering is always in the context of life not going as expected.  That’s the rub isn’t it?  Life at times doesn’t go well… But, when life does not go well to what standard is it failing?  According to who’s standard?  The world’s standard makes us believe that if we do our best and pursue excellence our life will improve and we will be blessed.  These standards or theologies are often found in many of our modern churches and often well meaning Christians have adopted this theology.

My Rub

After my heart transplant I expected to be able to return to work full time in my counseling practice.  But, two years later I find that I am quite healthy but don’t have the energy needed to return to full time work.  I have spurts of energy but not enough to work more than a few hours a week.  My transplant surgeon believes this is because of the length of my heart failure (12 years) and the multi-organ failure I had several years before the transplant.  Though before the transplant we believed God’s story was working out in our lives, after the transplant I set my standards again that full time work would be expected.  Needless to say this is has been a major struggle for me as I came to this realization.

When it came to me returning to work Sharon and I thought that after pursuing the radical treatment of heart transplant I would be able to return to full function.  These were our standards or theology showing itself.  If you saw me or spoke with me you would think I was a healthy 58 year old fully functioning person.  Honestly, I see myself that way also.  Thus my misery!  I don’t want to believe what I see in the mirror is not a totally recovered person capable of what I once could do.

Many are shocked or overwhelmed

Yet the life outside of the Garden of Eden and Heaven rarely resembles what our world and often what modern theology teaches.  Many of my readers are currently or will in the future experience something in life that appears to have no solution other than suffering and misery.  As I speak with those in this place I often find shocked, overwhelmed, angry and rebellious believers.

Honestly, I am often surprised when I encounter fellow Christians with these struggles.  Oops, I am not exempt here am I?!!

So how do we, I live in this most dreadful place and do the hardest thing?

  • As I have said in previous blog entries understand that it is God’s good story that is in play at all times and not our story.  Additionally, His good story is good as defined by Him and not by us.  Many times how we define good and how God defines good are often quite different.
  • Meditate on the words of Bryson: “few truly understand, theologically, that we live in a fallen world, this is not heaven (thank God), life is hard, there is much pain, disappointment and misery…but in the midst of that, by God’s grace, we can learn to cultivate and create in the midst of circumstances that will rarely, if ever, be ideal“
  • Remember from John Bryson’s blog: …”you can be miserable, and still move forward, produce and thrive.  God teaches this…see Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Paul…take your pick”
  • Read the Bible and study the lives of those above and others to see how their lives demonstrated how they lived in misery yet continued to move on faithfully. A good place to start would be the characters mentioned in Hebrews 11.
  • Read books like Foxes Book of Martyrs, Bonhoffer’s: Cost of Discipleship, John Piper’s Biographies Collection of 15 of the churches greatest leaders (biographies collection is available at www.olivetree.com)
  • Read Alcorn’s books Heaven and If God is Good to understand about what life will be like in heaven and the influence of evil on the world.
  • Read Calvin addressing suffering at the blog http://oldlife.org/tag/suffering/
  • As you see from the suggestions above, living and doing the hardest thing requires returning to a Biblical view of life found in the scriptures, Godly men of old, and their view of life and suffering.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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“The Hardest Thing to do”

Published July 12, 2010 Christian Suffering , God's sovereignty , Uncategorized 2 Comments
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“It is a dreadful truth that the state of (as you say) ‘having to depend solely on God’ is what we all dread most.  And of course that just shows how very much, how almost exclusively, we have been depending on things.  But trouble goes so far back in our lives and is now so deeply ingrained, we will not turn to Him as long as He leaves us anything else to turn to.”  (C. S. Lewis, Letters to an American Lady (Grand Rapids, 1967), page 47, italics his.)

Define Suffering

I am often asked how I would define suffering.  Unfortunately, many definitions of suffering leave out a large population of sufferers.   A helpful definition is difficult to construct.

Dictionary.com defines suffering as:  the state of a person that suffers. It also defines suffering as:  to undergo or feel pain or distress; to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss; to undergo a penalty, as of death; to endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly.

Is it a complete definition?

No!  I don’t believe it embraces the complete sense of suffering.  Including the words “patiently or willingly” does embrace what it means to Suffer Well.  Yet, still something is missing.

Lewis in his Letters to an American Lady tells us what is missing.  He tells us that if we can find some opening or option other than trusting God entirely we will pursue that opportunity.  In my blog entry Suffering Well: Life on edge of a knife I write of the three option a person can take in suffering.  One option is to stay on the sharp edge of the blade of suffering.  Staying on the sharp edge of the blade of suffering offers pain, despair, agony, integrity and hope as we see and experience the ministry of grace and mercy of God touching us.  The next option is to “jump” off the blade to the side of denial, repression, manipulation and demand.  Here we find ourselves trying everything possible to reduce, deflect, minimize or eliminate our suffering.  The last option is to “jump” off the blade on the side of spirituality or spiritualization.    Here we find ourselves attempting to discover, come up or manufacture God’s purpose in our suffering.

But what happens if we cannot by “jumping” off the blade to the denial, demand or manipulation side find relief?  Or when we “jump” off the spiritual side we find no reason or relief for the suffering.  If we are honest with ourselves deep in our hearts God’s purpose continues to be a mystery.

Cropped image of me following multiorgan failure

Six weeks in the hospital with Cardiogenic Shock and Multi-Organ failure

On the right you see a picture of me at a meal with a friend at work about a month after I spent 6 weeks in the hospital suffering from Cardiogenic shock and Multi-Organ failure.  I went into the hospital weighing 230 lbs and the picture on the right shows me at 180 lbs.  As part of my stay in the hospital I spent 2 weeks in ICU in a drug induced coma.  All my bodily systems stopped working.  The medical staff at the hospital could only support my body medically in hopes my systems would begin to work again.  Doctors and nurses told Sharon I had a 5% chance of survival.

As my condition worsened a very good friend of mine, Bill, arranged to have several pastors I had worked in the past come into ICU and pray for me.  As they crowded in my small room (against the advice of the nursing staff) filled with medical devices keeping me alive they prayed and anointed me with oil. After I left the hospital several of those there confided in me they did not expect to see me alive again.

Sharon faced “The Hardest Thing to Do”

Unaware of my condition and prognosis I was oblivious of the things that Sharon was facing.  Lewis tells us that ‘It is a dreadful truth that the state of having to depend solely on God is what we all dread most’.  He also tells us ‘we will not turn to Him as long as He leaves us anything else to turn to’. Sharon and my children were in the exact situation  described by Lewis here.  There was nothing else to turn to other than to depend solely on God .

There was nothing more she, the kids or the medical staff could do.  The medical staff stabilized me in a coma and supported my bodily functions medically, my family prayed and stayed with me almost around the clock, many friends visited and prayed for me, prayer requests went out around the country.

Every option of depending upon anything else was taken away.  Depending upon God solely was all there was.  It was a dreadful state for all.

The complete definition of Suffering (The Hardest thing to Do)

Combining Lewis’ words, Dictionary.com and scriptures bring me a sense of the complete definition of suffering and Suffering Well as I define it.

  • Acts 5:41 Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. ESV
  • ‘to undergo or feel pain or distress; to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss; to undergo a penalty, as of death; endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly’  (Dictionary.com)
  • ‘depend solely on God; and not turn to anything else’; (CS Lewis)

Suffering was modeled by Christ and we are to follow His suffering willingly and patiently.  It was Christ’s hardest thing to do as he cried out with anguish from the cross.   He chose to suffer willingly and patiently.  Christ had the power of the universe to protect him from crucifixion as well as being able to come down from the cross once on it but He willingly, patiently and purposefully remained and died on that cruel device of torture and death.   When we choose to do the hardest thing of depending of God alone instead of seeking a way out through relief, denial, manipulation or spiritualization we also fulfill the complete definition of suffering.  I am not speaking here of not seeking available help as it is available but sometimes our suffering has no solution.  There is no out option.  Denial has failed.  Pleading has resulted in silence.  The manipulation of others, situations or our hearts provides only temporary respite.

I know that many who read this face suffering that is unending, unrelenting and offers no solutions for their suffering.  It is the most dreadful place for a person to live.

Next:  Living in that Most Dreadful place and doing the Hardest Thing.

Adverto Coram Deo

David

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“They are going to throw my heart in the trash!”

Published April 7, 2010 Uncategorized 1 Comment
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I said these words to Sharon about 6 months before I got my heart transplant.

It was a Sunday afternoon and we were sitting in our “quiet time chairs”.  If you visit our home you will see a pair of swivel rockers in front of our bay windows looking out to our front yard and the beautiful oak tree Sharon loves so much.  We sit there every morning with our coffee and bibles starting the day in devotionals with God.

I made that comment during one of the many times I was tired of being sick, waiting and tired of becoming more sick each week.  They were irrational words.  They were emotional words.  They were words said to Sharon through uncontrollable tears.  They were weary words.

They came after I envisioned myself watching my transplant operation.  I “saw” my surgeon remove my heart and disgustingly toss my old worn out heart into a bio-hazard bag next the operating table.  I did say irrational didn’t I?

What is a heart?

Well, you can see I had the emotional reaction to what would happen some 6 months later in the operating room at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Florida.  It was my heart!  I had that heart since birth!  It was mine!  It was the only one I knew.

It seems that feeling possessive of  body parts even when severely diseased and no longer useful to us is quite common.  Many of have heard of amputees experiencing “phantom pain”.  They feel an itch or a pain where was missing body part once was.  Phantom pain is real and many experience relief when that part of their non-existent body part is “itched”.

But, what is a heart?  Biblically, the heart (Hebrews lēḇ or lēḇāḇ; Greek kardia) refers to the center of things and the inner man.  The hebrews thought in terms of subjective experience rather than objective.  The heart was essentially the governing center of the whole man including all his attributes, physical, intellectual and psychological.  (Prov. 4:23).

The New Testament refers to the heart as the seat of the will (Mark 3:5), of the intellect (Mk 2:6,8), and of the feelings (Luke 24:32).  The nearest meaning for the heart in the New Testament is “person”.

Every one of my cardiologists have referred to the heart as a pump.  That’s right it is just a pump and a rather powerful one at that.  The volume of blood in the human body is nearly 5 liters (1.32 gallons) and the heart pumps about 280 liters (74 gallons) in one hour.

More than just a pump

Each time I have spoken for an organ procurement organization to donor families, recipients or medical professionals I get asked the same question.  “Is there anything different about you after the heart transplant?”  While I was on the transplant waiting list I asked that same question to a person who was 9 years post transplant.  He responded with the healthier, stronger, more energy type of answers.  But, I like those asking me now was asking a different question.  I said “no, you know, different”.  Oh, Robert replied!  “Well the only thing different is “I like beer now”.  My surgeon earlier this year asked the same type of question about differences.  But, alas I couldn’t claim any life altering change like Robert reported to me.

Before the transplant my heart did represent more to me than just an efficient pump.  It was me or I thought of it as such a part of me that I didn’t want to part with it even though it failed me for years.  Believe or not I asked the hospital based transplant coordinator whether I could get my heart in a jar after the transplant so I could take it home with me.  Shocked he said no and something about research and promised to take a picture of it for me.  He didn’t.

I have included a Video of a live heart transplant (click on the link) so those of you interested can watch an actual transplant.  It was not mine but represents what happens during the procedure.  Interestingly, my son, Keith and his wife, Sandra watched this video the night I was in surgery.  I don’t know, I can’t explain why they did!

Living with the heart of someone else

Now that I have the heart of another person in my chest my view has changed to seeing it as a “pump”.  I guess better said a “replacement pump”.  My new heart no longer possesses the attachments I had to it prior to transplant.  I no longer see it as something I grieve losing but rather something giving me extra years of life.  These extra years of life centered in the hope of Christ, His good story, His being the center of all things and maker of the inner man.  I no longer see the heart being the center of all things or the inner man as seen by the Hebrews or Greeks.

As believers, don’t we all have the heart of someone else living within us?

Exekiel 36:26-27 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. ESV

2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ESV

Was not our old heart of stone removed from us at conversion?  Were we not given a new heart, a circumcised heart (See Phil 3:2-3)?  Are we not a new creation?  Did not the old heart pass away?  Did not the new heart come?

Attempting to live fully with the new heart (replacement) and the New Heart (Ezek 36)

Adverto Coram Deo
David

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